After the Pain
by
Tragedy88
E-Mail: Tragedy88@goplay.com
Disclaimers: Xena and Gabrielle are of course owned by MCA, Universal, etc. This story depicts love between two women. If this offends you, or is illegal in your state, etc. please stop reading.
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Terror and confusion were all mine. They haunted me in the lonely hours and in the darkness of night. They entered my dreams and turned them to nightmares. They made me sick and filled my body tight with tension and fear. In the darkness my soul cried out for release.
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Gabrielle's mouth opens in a shrill scream.
"Zeeeeeee-naaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"
Xena sits up suddenly in the darkness, pulled from sleep by a piercing scream. Confusion follows her until the scream comes again.
"Gabrielle!" she calls out.
In her terror filled sleep Gabrielle has rolled her back up to a rock. Now she's huddled against it in the throes of a terrible nightmare.
"Gabrielle!" Xena rushes to her side, as she has almost every night for the past two moons. "Wake up," she demands.
"Help me, oh Xena, help me...." Gabrielle pleads, still trapped in the nightmare.
Xena grabs her shoulders as the bard begins to scream again, and shakes her violently. Gabrielle's eyes open wide and tears course down her cheeks.
"Xena?" she sobs. "Xena!"
"I'm right here, Gabrielle." Xena gently pulls the shaking bard into her arms and holds her tentatively.
"Shhh...it was just a dream. It's all over now." All over now, Xena repeats to herself and sighs, but it has only just begun.
"Is it?" Gabrielle whispers. Still shaking, she pulls Xena's arms tight against her, terrified that if Xena lets go, the evil will come back and take her again.
Xena feels Gabrielle's pain and fear as if they are her own and pulls the needy woman closer to her, wrapping her arms around her and burying her own tear dampened face into Gab's sweet smelling hair.
"Yes, it's over." The warrior princess rocks the sobbing bard in her arms, looking for words of comfort. There are none. Not after this.
"Oh Gabrielle..." Xena chokes on her name. "I am so sorry."
Gabrielle pushes away from Xena and looks up into the eyes of the only woman she has ever loved. But those eyes, those beautiful, bright blue eyes are filled with tears.
"Xena?" Something akin to awe rises into Gab's voice. It was rare to see Xena so upset over something, let alone over Gabby. Upset enough to cause tears, anyway.
"Gabrielle... I... I..."
"This is not your fault Xena!" Gabrielle's face is flushed and her words thick from crying. "None of this is your fault. I was the one who killed her, not you."
"Gab--"
"Please Xena, please don't make me talk about this," Gabrielle interrupts, beginning to cry again.
"Alright." And Xena simply holds her, rocks her, and loves her in silence until Gab's sobs turn to quiet tears and finally to exhausted, dreamless sleep.
"Oh Gabrielle," Xena whispers. "There is nothing I can do, is there?" Of course there is no answer. Helpless in her rage and anger, Xena holds the young girl in her arms as she sleeps, holding her tight until the sun rises above the trees.
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This time Gabrielle awoke slowly, taking time to look around, trying to remember how she had come to be in Xena's strong arms. With a shudder that she tried to pass off as a stretch she turned around to look into those blue eyes.
"Morning." Xena attempted a smile, gauging Gabrielle's mood after the long night.
"Good morning." Gabrielle rested in Xena's arms a minute more before she stood and gathered her blanket and bag.
Xena looked for the young girl she had come to know and love. But all she saw was a slumped body and a thin, hollow shell of a once vibrant, life filled bard.
They cleaned up camp in silence, struggling with their own thoughts and concerns.
Gabrielle was the first to speak.
"Xena, I..." How can she say this without hurting her? "I want to go home."
"Sure. Sure, a little visit and some rest..."
"No."
"... and you'll be as good as new." Xena tried to finish, keeping her face a mask even as her heart was breaking.
"To stay, Xena." There, she had said it. By Xena's silence she knew the warrior princess was struggling with her emotions. "Maybe for just a little while. I don't know yet. I need to get away from it all. To feel safe again." Oh, by the gods, that sounds harsh. I didn't mean...
To get away from me? Xena wondered. If I can never make her feel safe again...then I have to let her go. She's been in so much pain, maybe it's better for her to get away from me. Better to get away from the person who caused her pain, who had brought her to this place of terror and who reminded her of it every time she looked at her.
"I'll take you home then, Gabrielle." Xena raised a hand as Gabrielle opened her mouth to protest. "It's the least I can do."
Gabrielle didn't object further, for fear of hurting the warrior even more. There is nothing left to be said. I just want the pain to stop. But to say it aloud would be to admit that Xena was a part of that pain. She was either unwilling or unable to say anything else.
It was a two day journey and after Xena's half hearted attempt to get Gabrielle to tell a story, it was spent in tortured silence.
Gabrielle's silence was born of fear, and for the moment nothing else existed but that fear. Fear that nothing would ever be the same, that Xena would hate her, that the nightmares would never stop...
Xena's silence was full of raw emotion. Mostly guilt and sadness at the thought of losing someone she'd finally let herself love. And anger, loneliness... She didn't know if Gabrielle planned to stay home, but in all honesty, she had already lost her after those first nights, after it had all ended and the nightmares had begun. A touch from Xena, and Gabrielle would flinch away. Only in the dark of night would she allow Xena to hold her shaking body, needing comfort that only human warmth and caring could bring. Their eyes no longer met, held and shared secrets. And the love Xena had been so close to blurting out was buried deep once again.
On the outskirts of Poteidaia, Xena dismounted Argo and walked beside the silent bard. She wanted to put an arm around those slumping shoulders, to hold her, to...do something, but she knew Gabrielle would only flinch away, and Xena couldn't take that revulsion from her now.
"You don't have to come with me." It was the first thing Gabrielle had said in over a day that had not been mumbled or screamed out in sleep.
"I would like to--" I would like to what? Xena wondered. Hold you? Kiss you good-bye? "--make sure you are settled ok," she finished lamely instead.
"I'm not sure my family will be happy to see 'The Warrior Princess' again," Gabrielle said softly.
Is this your way of trying to get rid of me, Gab? I'm not going, not yet. I don't want to leave you. "Gabrielle. I've handled warlords. I can certainly handle your family."
Both warrior and bard were silent as they walked into the little village of Poteidaia. A few villagers called out careful hellos to Gabrielle, while others didn't recognize her anymore. Someone ran ahead to tell her family the unexpected news of her arrival.
Xena silently ignored the hostile glances directed at her and walked tensely alongside Gabrielle and Argo.
Gabrielle's family was waiting outside. At first glance of their beloved daughter her mother's smile vanished, and her father's eyes turned cold. That coldness was meant for Xena, and Xena alone. Lila ran out into the street and engulfed Gabrielle in one of her typical bear hugs.
"Oh, Gabrielle!" she exclaimed in a high voice. "You look terrible. What happened?"
Gabrielle was suddenly encircled in her family's embrace, sinking into it and not away from it.
Xena felt a twinge of jealousy heat her face.
"Tell us what has happened, child." They tried to shuffle Gabrielle inside, to care for the "sick one," but she turned at the last minute and called out to Xena.
Geez, Gab, glad you remembered me, Xena thought bitterly.
"You don't need her anymore, Gabrielle. You are home with family now. We'll take care of you." Seeming to look through Xena as he said it, implying she had failed.
Xena's fists clenched tight in rage, but in a sudden rush, she remembered she had failed Gabrielle. She cast her eyes down and turned to walk away. Suddenly, cold fingers touched her arm. Gabrielle.
She's decided not to leave me! Xena's heart soared for the barest of seconds and fell in that same instant as she gazed into dull eyes that had once danced and sparkled with life.
"I just wanted to say good-bye, Xena."
"OK, good-bye." Xena pulled Argo's reins harshly and the mare gave a snort of protest.
"Xena." Gabrielle's voice caught. Oh gods, how I want to tell her to stay, to not walk away from my life like this. I love you, Xena. But her pain and frustration got in the way, and nothing came out past the lump in her throat.
Xena hesitated and turned back to Gabrielle. "I'll understand if you want to stay." She searched the face of the woman she loved and caught glimpses of the horror Gabrielle now lived in. "There was a good place to make camp a little north of here, if I remember correctly." Xena let the sentence hang between them for a moment. Nothing. "Send word if you're going to stay here." She vaulted up onto Argo. "Good-bye, Gabrielle." Kicking Argo into a gallop, she was out of earshot before she could hear Gabrielle's sad good-bye.
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"Xena?" Gabrielle whispered into the darkness. Someone was there. Fear gripped the edges of her heart.
"It's me. Lila."
At her sister's voice, Gabrielle relaxed and eased back down to the pillow. "What are you doing awake?"
"I can't decide what to wear tomorrow." Lila giggled. Tomorrow was the wedding ceremony for Terellus and Panthanon. Lila was not interested in the joining, but in the boys that would be attending with their families.
Gabrielle sighed inwardly. "Wear the blue one. It always looks good." No, wait, it was Xena who looked good in the blue dress. It highlighted her eyes into shining twin lakes, and made her sunbronzed skin glow. She groaned, but Lila didn't notice.
"Oh, good choice Gabby!" Lila exclaimed in her high voice, and Gabrielle threw her head under her pillow, as Lila chattered on and on.
Oh Xena, where are you? Why haven't you come back? A week had passed since Xena'd left. The nightmares had continued, even gotten worse, and Lila's arms, by no means, held the same comfort that Xena's did. She had eaten little and spent her days in silence. Her mother fussed over her, and as usual her father was a distant, silent rock. They all worried, and none of them understood. Gabrielle was beginning to think it was a mistake, a very bad mistake indeed, to have come home. Xena had understood, had held her in silence, not pushing her like her mother and sister did. Xena..her blue eyes, beautiful face, soft hair...
She fell asleep wishing the blankets tucked around her were Xena's strong arms.
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Xena sat by the fire, tasting little of what she ate. Argo whickered softly, content.
Gabrielle, I would have stayed if only you needed me. But you don't, even if I need you. I should have said.... No, there was nothing to say. Gabrielle can't stand the sight of me anymore, and I have to accept
that.
So, why have I waited here? Waited for you or at least a messenger for a week? Because no matter what, I will always love you, Gabrielle. Tomorrow I will come into Poteidaia and ask...ask what?
No longer hungry, Xena banked the fire and curled up in the blanket, wishing she was curled up next to a certain strawberry blonde bard.
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Xena rode into Poteidaia early the next morning, lingering in the marketplace. Should she just walk up to Gabrielle's home and barge in, demanding answers? No, that would not go over well at all. Suddenly she spotted a very dejected Lila walking by with an armful of fresh fruit.
Xena vaulted off Argo and landed directly beside the startled young woman.
"Good morning, Lila," she said, somewhat blandly, trying for nonchalance and failing.
Lila turned angry eyes on Xena. "She's gone. Left in the night. I suggest you leave as well." She turned on her heel, heading home with angry steps.
"What?" Xena grabbed Lila's arm, causing fruit to fly. "What do you mean, gone?"
"She was gone this morning when I woke up." Suddenly afraid of the cold ice in the warrior's eyes, Lila stepped back. But the tight grip on her arm didn't let her go far. "Xena, you're hurting me."
She saw the fear in Lila's eyes and, ashamed, let go.
"I'm sorry, Lila," the warrior said softly. "Did she leave--" A note for me? Something? Explaining? Anything? "--a note?"
"No, I assumed she left to find you."
If that was true...no, I would have passed her on the way here.
"I, guess she...didn't." Lila bent to gather the fruit, and Xena absentmindedly helped. "She took all her stuff with her. I--she--Xena?"
"Hmmmm?"
"What happened to her?" Lila stopped retrieving fruit and stared directly at Xena. "She wouldn't tell us a thing. Not even Mother."
"She, um, we..."
"Did you fight?"
"No." Xena looked closely at Lila for the first time. "Did she sleep well, there?"
"Every night she had nightmares. She called for you a lot." Lila ducked her head, afraid to meet the warrior's intense stare. "She didn't eat or sleep, or...tell stories. Not a single one, though we begged her to."
Xena's eyes raised in surprise, her brows disappearing under her dark bangs. Oh, Gabrielle, your stories, they mean the most to you. Don't lose them, not now.
"Find her, Xena, please? I'm afraid for her." Lila stood, the fruit now secure in her arms.
"I will." Xena promised as she mounted Argo and rode off in a thunder of hoofbeats. I will. Don't give up yet, Gabrielle. I have so much I never told you...
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Gabrielle pauses in her hike up the mountainside, exhaustion settling in and sweat rolling down between her shoulders and breasts. She'd left in the night, this time soft on her feet and not startling Lila awake. Not like last time...when I went in search of Xena. Now she was searching for something else. Not sure of what, till it hits her in the gut as she reaches the mountaintop that there is no way down on the other side, but a sheer drop of more than 1,000 feet.
She clambers to a flat rock that overlooks the valley below. What now? You could end it all here, a little voice whispers. No, not yet...Xena will come. I know her too well to think otherwise. Now I wait. And when it's over...well, time enough for that later.
The sun is setting behind the ridge on the other side of the valley when the soft hairs on her arms register almost silent footsteps behind her.
Xena sits, without a word, next to the bard.
"Gab-"
"Shhh." Gabrielle indicates the sunset with a wave of her arm. They watch silently as Apollo settles the sun into a soft pink glow and slowly pulls the sun behind the ridge. Darkness falls with a soft chirping of night birds and the silent twinkling of the god's tears in the sky.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Xena."
Say you love me, Xena begs in silence, mentally slapping herself as soon as she thinks of it. This is not about me; this is Gabrielle, and she needs you now. Say something. "Gabrielle...I--"
A pale hand, touched with moonlight, reaches up to caress Xena's cheek, shocking her into silence.
"You are the light in my now dark world. Your eyes are the sky that shines on the waters of my soul." The bard's hypnotic prose is broken as her hand falls to her lap. Tears run freely down her cheeks.
Xena reaches out a shaky hand to dry them, surprised at Gabrielle's softness and warmth. As her fingers linger long after the tears have dried, Gabrielle's tortured eyes lock onto Xena's.
"Please don't leave me, Gabrielle. You are my light."
Never have the two been more vulnerable in front of each other. And never before hved they fallen so far into each other's eyes.
"I love you, Xena." Gabrielle opens up her heart, praying that it is not only moonlight she sees reflected in the warrior's unsteady gaze.
Xena draws in a breath. Now is the time. She opens her mouth, but no words come out.
As an awkward silence falls between them. Gabrielle's face swiftly changes to total despair. With a strangled cry, she leaps from her seat on the rock and stumbles into the darkness.
"G--gabrie--elle," Xena chokes out, stumbling after her. Oh, why had the words failed me? Why? She catches up to Gabrielle and pulls her to a halting stop, turning her so she can look directly into her eyes.
Still the words will not come, and the young bard shakes under her hands.
"I'm sorry, Xena. I shouldn't have said that. I'll go--"
Her words are cut off as Xena leans forward and kisses her gently on the lips, th"I love you too,Gabrielle reaches kissing her longer, deeper and with more feeling thahese last terrifying and lonely ve you," t"Gabrielle.adly. "I couldn't help you this there was nothing I could do." at her own helplessness surfaces is so ay with your family, Gabrielle. --is would be my last sunset, but you came...and...something that in all my life I fingers trace Xena's lips in a 's why I want you safe, away fro"But don't you realize--s suddenly, losing her bard's touch for words. --th---I mean--I--you saved me, Xena. 's what I want most on her chin. Sick with emotion, comes"What?" Xena strokese? Promise you won't ever leave is th regret. "And promise me that "I'm so sorry, Xena."I know,lle?" Xena tips up the bard's chin and looks Xena. Just as she kept all her y and dder at what I almost lost with mes that Dahak still haunts me, and all but my love for her is
(c) Tragedy88