Déjà Vu All Over Again
ROCFanKat's take
E-Mail: ROCFanKat@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: I don't blame ROC for directing this episode--she made a nice shoulder bag out of that sow's ear. (Nothing personal against R.J. Stewart. :) ) But Xena as J****?!?!? Can't have that. Just can't have it.
We discover two people, and one horse, trussed up in a therapist's office. There is a bomb on the desk, ticking.
X <in Argo's body>: Well, it could've been worse. I could've come back as J****.
G <in her own body>: Xena, it's not good. You're a horse.
X: So?
G <speaking very slowly and distinctly>: You're a horse, Xena. And I'm telling you, I'm not going there.
X: Why not? It's still me.
G: I would sooner kiss a squid. Or J****.
A <in Xena's body--and speaking with Callisto's voice, just because Hudson wasn't around enough in Season 4>: Well, thank you very much. All those years I spent hauling you around Greece and never a complaint, not even when you started wearing that awful yellow outfit.
G: Who died and made you a fashion critic?
A: Honey, please--you looked like a goddamn couch from the '60s. Every time I looked at you, I thought about blacklight and shag carpet. Besides, I'm entitled to an opinion. I'm a horse, not J****.
X <impatiently>: Enough with that. There's a bomb on that desk, and we're all going to get another go-round if we don't do something about it.
<X&G regard each other thoughtfully.>
X: Till the other side, Gabrielle. We'll be together.
G: Till then.
A: Hey, don't I get a vote?
<KABOOM>
We can discover nothing at this point; the office is filled with smoke.
X's voice: Gabrielle?
G's voice: Xena?
A: <Whinnies>
The smoke clears. Same scene as before, except now, all three characters are horses. The bomb is ticking.
X: This needs work.
G: I'll say.
<X thinks for a minute.>
X: So, Gab, are you a girl horse or a boy horse?
G <shocked>: XENA!
X <grumbles>: Oh, all right, all right. Didn't hurt to ask. Want to try again?
G: Oh, yeah.
A: <Snorts>
<KABOOM>
When the smoke clears this time, we discover two people and a horse trussed up in a therapist's office. The bomb is ticking.
X: That's more like it. Argo, hand me my chakram.
<Argo, whose front feet are tied together, picks up the chakram with her teeth and tosses it to Xena.>
G: That looks so stupid.
<Xena chooses to ignore that remark. She cuts herself free with the chakram, cuts the blue wire on the bomb, and liberates Gabrielle and Argo. Then she gives Gabrielle an evil sexy grin.>
G: What now?
X: You look great. Late Season 2, Season 3, something like that. I really missed the BGSB.
G <with an evil sexy grin of her own>: I'll bet you did. Do you still remember how to unlace it?
X: Many skills, Gabrielle.
G: Without hands?
X: Like I said.
G: Argo, go out and graze or something. Xena and I need to get...reacquainted. This minute.
<Argo gives her a long speculative look.>
G: Xena, I think she's smirking at me.
X: That animal. Argo, find yourself a stallion and leave us alone for a few months.
<Argo butts her with her head.>
X: What?
<Argo whispers in Xena's ear.>
X: Son of a bacchae.
G: What is it?
X: She's decided from watching us that she's a thespian.
G <putting her head in her hands>: I really don't want to know.
X: You're right--you really don't. <Pats A> Go, girl. No, wait a second. <Straps chakram onto A's saddle> Wear this. Makes you look tough.
<Argo exits, looking tough.>
G: I want to have a nice long talk with you about that horse someday. I honestly think...
<Xena cuts her off with a long, long kiss.>
G: Wow.
X: Liked that, did you?
<For answer, Gabrielle kisses her back.>
X: Wow.
G: Reacquaint me. Now.
<They disappear behind the desk. Armor parts and the BGSB start flying in all directions. Outside, we hear loud whinnying...and then, a human shriek.>
J****'s voice: Help! Help! 911!
G: You don't think that's too cruel?
X: Naaaah. Argo always did have lousy taste. And speaking of taste...
G <giggles>: Animal.
X: Rrrrrrrrrrrr.