One Against an Army
LaLa's take
E-Mail: bonmot@ix.netcom.com
SCENES
FROM THE CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR
Xena and Gabrielle have made camp for the evening and are doing their individual chores. Gabrielle becomes concerned when Xena doesn't return within a reasonable amount of time. She begins searching the surrounding forest; hearing Xena's voice, Gabrielle stealthily approaches. She spies Xena holding a small object in each hand and having one hand converse with the other; she realizes one of the objects in question is her "missing" Xena dollie. Gabrielle stands back and watches the unfolding drama with dumbstruck amusement...and growing ire.
Xena as Xena: <Deep voice> I told you not to try the flip without the staff, but Little Miss Too Big for Her BGSB had to try it anyway. Who's the slow learner now, blondie?
Xena as Gabrielle: <High, breathy voice> Oh, Xena, once again, you were right. What was I thinking?
X as X: About food, probably. <Chuckles at her own joke> Then I tell you to go to safety, but do you listen? Noooooo--you have to ride out in the open like a moving target.
X as G: <Girlish giggle> Oh, Xena, I just wanted a better view of my scrump-dillie-icious, buxom, leather-clad, badass, tigress--grrrrr! <Gabrielle dollie passionately kisses Xena dollie>
X as X: Uh-huh. Likely story, cupcake. At least you only sprained an ankle and took an arrow in the back. I would have been really peeved if you had been kidnapped or held at knifepoint--again.
X as G: Golly, Xena, I just can't seem to help it. I attract trouble like I attract dead boyfriends.
X as X: You can say that again.
G: Yeah, Xena, why don't you?
X: Damn! Uh, Gabrielle... <Hastily scrambles to hide dollies in her cleavage and affect an innocent expression> What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?
G: Well, I was wondering what was taking you so long. <Crosses arms and leans back against a tree> So this is trapping...funny, I didn't know you lured dinner by entertaining it with puppet shows.
X: How long have you been listening?
G: Long enough.
X: Oh...now, Gabrielle, it's not what you think. I didn't really mean what I said.
G: <Rolls her eyes> Xena, pull the other leg, while you're at it. <Smiles sweetly> You know, this is actually good. I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this.
X: Aw, c'mon, I was only teasing.
G: Sure you were. In the future, you just remember that I'm only teasing as well.
X: <Gives her a sour look>
G: You know, I was wondering where my Xena dollie went. Did I see a Gabrielle dollie?
X: Uh...
G: Out with it. Show me. <Extends a hand expectantly>
X: <Frowns and makes no move to get dollies>
G: <Lets out an irritated sigh> Fine. If you're gonna be difficult, then I'll get them myself. <She rummages in Xena's cleavage; she pulls out the breast dagger and then her old BGSB> So that's where it went! You didn't lose it while doing the wash after all. <Resumes her search and triumphantly extracts the dollies> Enjoyed that, didn't you?
X: Well... <Blushes>
G: Pervert. <Examines what looks to be a Gabrielle dollie> Wow, it's really intricate. Blonde hair, skirt with a belt, tiny boots, and an even tinier BGSB. What's this? <Holds up tiny tuft of red>
X: Ah, hair.
G: Hair?
X: <Clears throat> Interchangeable hair, since no one seems to be sure what your exact hair color is...
G: <Scowls> Out of everyone, Xena, I would hope you would know what my real hair color is.
X: Gab...
G: Oh, my, the clothes come off.
X: <Looks away and starts fidgeting with a leather strip on skirt>
G: By the gods, Xena! This...this doll is anatomically correct! <Surprise quickly turns to anger>
X: Oh, boy.
G: Xena, how could you? <Slaps Xena's arm>
X: Ow! Quit clobbering me!
G: <Gives Xena's arm another slap for good measure> It seems you have entirely too much free time on your hands.
X: <Rubs her sore arm and moves towards Gabrielle with a placating expression> Now, Gabrielle, sweetness, please, I was only joking around--having a bit of fun.
G: <Glares> Well, two can play that game, Princess. In the meantime <takes dollies and places them in her cleavage>, I'll keep the dolls.
X: <Stamps foot and pleads> Aw, Gabrielle.
G: <Eyes her companion critically for a long stretch of silence> Xena, maybe, just maybe, I'll let you play with them--but only if you ask reaaaally nice. <Caresses BGSB as she speaks>
X: <Contemplates Gabrielle's BGSB with a wanton glint in her eye>
G: The dolls, Xena, the dolls. Get your mind out of the bordello, would you? Hmph, and you say I read too many Sappho scrolls.