Playing Without a Full Deck

Playing Without a Full Deck - Rocky

I'd like to thank Kandis Glasgow for allowing me to play with the "Butch Cards" segment from "Convergence."

http://www.xenafiction.net/scrolls/kandis_glasgow_convergence1.hts

My answers are in 'blue italics.'

Clipped from the original…

Before we begin there is one item of business that I must attend to. It seems that there is confusion as to the butch cards and how one earns or attains them. Well, here is the first portion of the manual. Assisted by Txfoto and Slherrin. I scored really low (-17) because I am not as butch as I used to be.

Butch Cards and How Ta get 'Em

Butch cards are issued with the lesbian starter kits. If you have to ask how to get one, you don't really need one now do you? If you must know, you will either gain or lose cards depending on these factors.

Carry wallet in back pocket: +1

Of course, where else would you put it?

Carrying a purse or a large billfold: -2

I have a purse that my mother gave me when I was in high school, I used it as a book-bag. It has been hanging on the door inside my closet for the last twenty years.

Open doors for girls: +1 Being a girl -8

I open the door for a girl …if I get to the door first.

Pulling out the chair: +1

Only if it's pushed up against the table and I want to sit on it.

Commenting on the nice material on the chair: -3 plus you just may be a gay male.

I'd only comment if I had eyes on my ass.

Order for date: +1

If she's paying she can order what ever she wants.

Letting her order you a salad: -2

Is hell freezing over by any chance?

Drive a truck (not Ranger): +1.

I drive a half ton short box chevy van, does that count?

Driving a Ranger: -1 (No, I don't care how butch you are!)

No way, if I'm not on my motorcycle I want to be up where I can see the road.

Playing Rugby: +1, +4 extra awards for scoring three tries

Does tackle football without equipment count?

Hooking a rug: -1

No, but I have punted a floor mat across my bedroom.

Putting shrimp on the Barbie: +1

I can't say as I have ever had the pleasure.

Playing with Barbie ever in your life: -1

Yikes! Guilty. But I stopped after my dog ate her head.

Martial Arts: +2 , +1 attaining next belt level. Black belts get +4. (HA I get 8 for this)

Sorry, no MA training at all. Can I have a half a point for bare knuckle bar fights?

Arts and crafts: -2 (I lose 2 right here)

(sigh) …um yeah I do needle point. Wanna make something of it?

Piercing other than ears, nose, or belly button: +1

Shit no, I've got enough holes in me already.

Piercing stares at women who look better than you: -2

Are we talking stares or glares here? If a woman is drop-dead beautiful who could help but stare.

Tattoo's not dolphin, fairies, flowers: +2 for really butch or on the forearm, +1 for average butch, +1 For dolphins, -1 for cartoon characters other than Taz, -2 for Roses

Well one of them is on my forearm and it sure as hell isn't a dolphin, a fairy or a flower.

Successful upkeep of car without injury: (Not pumping gas or adding oil.) +1

I'd like to meet someone who can change a water pump without bloodying at least one knuckle.

Injury while trying to perform car upkeep: -3 (I am losing quickly), -5 if you have to go to the ER for said injury. (Ummm -5 more)

…see the last question.

Drink beer from a bottle: +1

Beer is one of the four food groups right?

Drinking wine is NOT butch, especially the pink! -4 (I'm not counting any more)

Okay, you got me, but what else do you do during a brewer's strike.

Rodeo is butch: +2, + 4 if it's bull riding

Question: Does it count if you used to chase rodeo stock through the chutes when you were a kid.

Hanging on the butch bull riders: -2

(Shudder) Oh the horror!

Watching football other than your home team: +1

Yeah, but only to keep mom happy.

Waving your hands in the air like a nut and saying, "That was good, right?" while watching sports of any kind: -2

People do this?!

Fire building skills are butch, lighting a match doesn't count: +1

No way am I rubbing two sticks together when I can use my butane lighter.

Building a fire in your lover's loins by wearing Lingerie (while good, still not butch): -2

Just thinking about that makes my head hurt.

Fire fighting is butch big time (I have goose bumps!): +4

How many points to I get for building firetrucks?

Being a nurse while a wonderful profession and I appreciate them all is not very butch: -2

Closest I can come was being a ski-patroller for three years.

Being a cop. Another very butch thing: +3

See answer to the last question.

Being arrested for stealing Victoria's Secret Bras:-2 (no I haven't been, but it's not butch)

No, but it's okay to drool over the women wearing them in the catalog, right?

Shooting of either firearms or arrows: +2

I have a gopher gun- a single shot .22.

Shooting 'the look' at your lover for her saying the wrong thing: -2

Now that would simply be tacky.

The military: +2 for Marines. +4 for SEALS.

I'm willing to bet I lose points for being a brownie. : ]

National Guard doesn't count: 0

Ditto.

Body Building/heavy weights: +2

I have bench press and free weights; they used to be in my living room, now they're out on the deck.

Step Aerobics is not! -4

Eew.

Kick boxing is: +1

See the earlier question about Martial arts.

Tae Bo is not: -1 (Yes, I have done it and I don't care how hard it is! Not butch!)

I like spicy food, but I haven't tried 'Tae Bo' yet.

Chains on your wallet: +1

After a night in the bar, losing my wallet and canceling my credit cards, (Not to mention throwing my back out--but that's another story) you bet your ass I do.

Flowers on your billfold: -1

I have to admit mine has an alien happy face on it.

Power tool usage:+1 (even I have power tools!) (ohh you mean the other kind....never mind.)

Gives a new meaning to 'scru-gun' doesn't it <grin>

Wondering what a Sawsall is: -2

I'll even give lessons on the differences between a sawsall and a reciprocating saw.

BBQ'ing: +1

Cooking and I do not mix, however I have assembled many, many gas BBQs.

Baking cookies: -1

I tried once… I came up with 'peanut butter brownie biscuits,' fortunately no one died.

Boxers are butch: +1

I have tried it, but I tend to lead with my nose.

Silk jammies are not :-1

Oh… oops now I get the last question. Silk makes me sweat.

Decking your druggy son in law: +2

No son in law, does someone else's son in law count?

Having a Mom more butch than you: -2

'Fraid not, Mom's a sweet little retired grade one teacher.

Grease under your nails from working on cars: +2 (you lose 10 for not cleaning it out)

Oh yeah. BTDT. And I always clean my hands. (I have other uses for them) <smirk>

Having cars painted on your nails for the car show this weekend: -3

You have got to be kidding.

Leather Motorcycle jackets: +2

Three, the heavy winter one, the summer one, and the fancy one without the bug guts on it.

Jackets with fringe/sequins: -3

What on earth for?

Construction work: +2

Who with any kind of well rounded work experience hasn't?

Constructing napkin sculptures for a dinner party: -2

Only if wadding them up after you've wiped off the BBQ sauce counts.

I am sure that there are a plethora of other things, but you get the basics here. I am sooooo not butch.

BE WARNED: If you say, "Aren't those pretty orchids?" about a TV commercial, you lose lots of points. Especially if all of your friends are there. I hope this has cleared up the questions. Xena, Jan, Taylor and Terra are butch. Candace and Gabrielle are in the very middle. Melinda and Skye are girls, but don't tell them. At least not to their face!

I emailed Kandis with my answers and this was her response.

Oh my!

I had to forward this to all my friends! You cracked my little girly self up! If you defend doing needle point with threats of bodily harm, you can keep your cards!

Waving your hands in the air like a nut and saying, "That was good, right?" while watching sports of any kind: -2

People do this?!

~~Some Girls do this.

How many points to I get for building firetrucks?

~~How many do you want?

Being arrested for stealing Victoria's Secret Bras:-2 (no I haven't been, but it's not butch)

No, but it's okay to drool over the women wearing them in the catalog, right?

~~Even I do that!

Thanks for the laughs!

Thank you, Kandis. It was a lot of fun!

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